DONATIONS TO CHARITY

An auditor from the tax office rang a synagogue and asked to speak to the rabbi.

"Rabbi, is Mr Morris Katz a member of your congregation?"

"Yes, indeed he is."

"Can you confirm that he made the $100,000 donation to the synagogue that he claimed in his tax return?"

"I can assure you that he will!"

TWO QUESTIONS

An investor went to a tax expert and said: "If I give you $1,000, will you answer two questions?"

The expert replied: "Certainly. And what is the other question?"

PHOTOS

The Australian Federal Police sent three photographs of a man wanted for tax evasion to their Irish counterparts, saying that they had reason to believe that he had escaped to Ireland. The photos were front face and two side shots.

Three weeks later the Irish Police sent back a message: "We got the fellow in the middle, but we are still looking for the other two."

LITERATURE

Q. What are the most imaginative works of fiction being written in Australia today?

A. Income tax returns.

DINNER

An accountant, a solicitor and an actuary were dining together at a fashionable restaurant.

"With income tax being so complicated, we accountants are all doing quite well these days," the accountant commented. To prove it, he pulled out a $5 note, applied a match to it and used it to light his cigar.

"With so many people engaging in tax avoidance, we lawyers are also doing very well these days," the solicitor mused. To prove his point, he got out a $100 note, applied a match to it and used it to light his cigar.

"With all the new requirements for certificates in the superannuation area, we actuaries are doing even better," the actuary said. To prove it, he wrote out a cheque for $1 million, applied a match to it and used it to light his cigar.

MAGNA CARTA

Extract from a student essay:

"Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same tax offence."

REPORT

The Irish Government appointed a 23-man committee to report on certain aspects of the taxation system.

The committee produced one report signed by the chairman and 22 minority reports.

TAX REFORM

One tax expert, discussing a proposed new approach with another tax expert, said: "It seems likely to be all right in practice, but will it also work in theory?"

SLEEP

A man wrote to the Australian Taxation Office:

"I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and now enclose a cheque for $1,500. If I still can't sleep, I will send you the rest."

LIGHT BULB

Q. How many tax advisers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Next summer there is a tax deductible convention in Hawaii, dealing with this precise issue.

INVESTMENT ADVICE

A financial planner suggested to a wealthy client that he should invest in a circus.

The client expressed great surprise at such an unusual recommendation: "A circus? Why on earth should I buy into a circus?"

The financial planner replied: "Because of the elephants."

The client, puzzled even more, then asked: "The elephants? What is the connection between circus elephants and investments?"

The financial planner asked: "Well, do you know much it costs to feed an elephant?"

The client, slightly annoyed, responded: "No, of course I do not know much it costs to feed an elephant."

The financial planner explained: "Well, neither does the Taxation Commissioner."

AUDIT

An investor received a notice from the Australian Taxation Office that he was to be audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours waiting for any questions while the ATO auditor pored over them.

Finally the auditor looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"Why would you say that?" replied the investor.

"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."

FOI

A man made a Freedom of Information request to the Australian Taxation Office, asking whether there was an audit file on him.

A week later he received the reply. It said: "There is now."