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Simpsons
quote's - Page Two (These quotes were graciously stolen
from IMDB.com)
Page
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[Homer
is a Blackjack dealer]
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Twenty. Your move, Mr. Bond.
James Bond: I'll take a hit, dealer. [Homer deals Bond
a card.] Joker? You're supposed to take these out of
the deck.
Homer Jay Simpson: Oh, sorry, I'll give you another
one.
[Homer deals Bond another card.]
James Bond: What's this? "Rules for Draw and Stud
Poker"?
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: What a pity, Mr. Bond...
[Oddjob and Jaws advance on Bond and grab him.]
James Bond: But... but wait! It was Homer's fault. I
can't lose! I never lose! [Oddjob and Jaws drag Bond
out of the casino.] At least tell me your plans for
world domination!
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Oh ho ho, I'm not falling for
THAT one again.
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[Homer
tries to call the nuclear power plant]
Voice on Phone: The fingers you have used to dial are
too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash
the keypad with your palm now.
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Homer
Jay Simpson: Look, all I'm saying is, if these big stars
didn't want people going through their garbage and saying
they're gay, then they shouldn't have tried to express
themselves creatively.
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Police
Chief Clancy Wiggum: They only come out in the night.
Or in this case, the day.
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Ralph
Wiggum: Me fail English? That's unpossible!
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[Homer
is using butter as a pencil holder.]
Marjorie 'Marge' Bouvier Simpson: Is that my butter?
Homer Jay Simpson: Can't talk -- taking memo. [Licks
tip of pencil as if about to write.] Mmmmm... delicious.
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Bartholomew
'Bart' Jo-Jo Simpson: I think sharing is overrated too.
And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been
hearing about tolerance?
Homer Jay Simpson: Your ideas are intriguing and I wish
to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think I'll go
on the retreat anyway.
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Moe
Szyslak: They think they're so high and mighty, just
because they never got caught driving without pants.
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[Homer
dials the Flanders', who have taken his kids into foster
care]
Voice on Phone: The number you have dialed can no longer
be reached on this phone. You negligent monster.
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[Looking
at Uruguay on a map]
Homer Jay Simpson: Heehee! Look at this country! "You
are gay."
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[Lisa
tells Homer about Thomas Edison]
Homer Jay Simpson: No one man can do all that. You're
a liar, honey. A dirty, rotten liar.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[At
Apu's wedding.]
Marge: Thanks for helping us out, Reverend. I know you've
never performed a Hindu ceremony before.
Reverend Lovejoy: Well, Christ is Christ.
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Leonard
Nimoy: Good evening, I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following
tale of alien encounters is true. And by true I mean
false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies,
so in the end, isn't that the truth? The answer is "no."
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Homer
Jay Simpson: How about it Bart, would you like a new
backyard BBQ pit?
Bartholomew 'Bart' Jo-Jo Simpson: Can I burn evidence
in it?
Homer Jay Simpson: We can *all* burn evidence in it.
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Astra:
Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art."
It could be by a mental patient, a hillbilly or a chimpanzee.
Homer Jay Simpson: In high school I was voted most likely
to *be* a a mental patient, hillbilly or chimpanzee!
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Lisa:
Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?
Homer Jay Simpson: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first
step toward failure.
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[At
her first Broadway show.]
Marjorie 'Marge' Bouvier Simpson: You know, when I was
a girl, I always dreamed of being in a Broadway audience.
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[Homer
tries to gain passage on an escape rocket.]
Homer Jay Simpson: I am the piano genius from the movie
"Shine."
Guard: And your name is...?
Homer Jay Simpson: Uhh... Shiney McShine.
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[Why
he prefers the original "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington."]
Homer Jay Simpson: At least that Jimmy Stewart version
had that giant rabbit who ran the Savings & Loan.
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Newspaper
editor: We're looking for a new food critic, someone
who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.
Homer Jay Simpson: Nah, it usually takes a few hours.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marjorie
'Marge' Bouvier Simpson: Only your father could take
a part-time job at a small town paper and wind up the
target of international assassins.
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Homer
Jay Simpson: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last
night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck
before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that
ever sucked!
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Moe
Szyslak: People today are healthier and drinking less.
You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next
door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.
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Homer
Jay Simpson: When will you people learn? In America
we stopped using corporal punishment and things have
never been better. The streets are safe, old people
strut confidently trough the darkest alleys and the
weak and nerdy are admired for their computer programming
abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and
free, for as the Bible tells us, "Let your children
run wild and free."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer
Jay Simpson: If they can send a man to the moon, why
can't they make my shoes smell good?
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Mark
Hamill: Hey everybody. I'm here today as Luke Skywalker,
but I'm also here to talk about Sprint. As you can see
here, you can save up to three times more than the more
dependable companies.
Audience: Talk about Star Wars!
Homer Jay Simpson: Shut up you stupid nerds, he's trying
to save you money on long distance calls.
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Homer
Jay Simpson: Oh, they have the Internet on computers
now.
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Homer
Jay Simpson: Marge, you're my wife and I love you very
much. But you're living in a world of make-believe.
With flowers and bells and leprechauns, and magic frogs
with funny little hats.
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Lisa
Marie Simpson: I'm so glad you're home. Bart's acting
funny.
Homer Jay Simpson: "Ray J" funny or "O.J."
funny?
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Bartholomew
'Bart' Jo-Jo Simpson: Why would anyone want to hurt
me? I'm this century's Dennis the Menace!
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Marjorie
'Marge' Bouvier Simpson: You awful, awful man! Stay
away from my son!
Sideshow Bob: [menacing] I'll stay away. Stay away...
FOREVER!
Homer Jay Simpson: Oh, no!
Sideshow Bob: Wait. That's no good. [walks away, then
runs back] I've got a good one now. Marge, say "stay
away from my son" again!
Marjorie 'Marge' Bouvier Simpson: No!
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Homer
Jay Simpson: Son, I just want you to know I have total
faith in you.
Bartholomew 'Bart' Jo-Jo Simpson: Since when?
Homer Jay Simpson: Since your mother yelled at me.
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Rev.
Timothy Lovejoy: I remember another gentle visitor from
the heavens. Who came to earth... and then died... only
to be brought back to life again. And his name was:
E.T., the extra-terrestrial. I love that little guy.
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Lionel
Hutz: And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued
in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer.
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Homer
Jay Simpson: Yeah, that Timmy O'Tool is a real hero.
Lisa Marie Simpson: How so dad?
Homer Jay Simpson: Well... he fell in a well... and
he can't get out.
Lisa Marie Simpson: How does that make him a hero?
Homer Jay Simpson: Well it's more then you've done.
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Bartholomew
'Bart' Jo-Jo Simpson: Aren't we forgeting the true meaning
of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
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Insurance
Agent: Now, before I give you the check, one more question.
This place "Moe's" you left just before the
accident. This is a business of some kind?
Homer's Brain: Don't tell him you were at a bar. Gasp!
But what else is open at night?
Homer Jay Simpson: It's a pornography store. I was buying
pornography.
Homer's Brain: Heh heh heh. I woulda never thought of
that.
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Homer
Jay Simpson: God, if you really are God, you'll get
me tickets to that game.
[doorbell rings]
Ned Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the
game with me? I got two tick--
Homer Jay Simpson: [slams the door, looks heavenward]
Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that
Bart tossed up there.
[Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands]
Homer Jay Simpson: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but
-- [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.
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Moe
Szyslak: I'm better than dirt! Well, most kinds of dirt,
not that fancy store-bought dirt.
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Bartholomew
'Bart' Jo-Jo Simpson: George Burns was right: show biz
is a horrible bitch goddess.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa:
Face it, Bart, Sideshow Bob has changed.
Bartholomew 'Bart' Jo-Jo Simpson: No he hasn't! He's
more the same than ever!
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Homer
Jay Simpson: Well Marge, have you ever seen a field
glow like that?
Marge: It's eerily beautiful, but are you sure this
is safe?
Homer Jay Simpson: Of course not. But you know something?
Sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart.
Marge: You got that from a movie poster.
Homer Jay Simpson: Well, when there's nothing left to
believe in, believe in hope.
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[A
very young Ranier Wolfcastle in a TV commercial]
Ranier Wolfcastle: My bratwurst has a first name. /
It's F-R-I-T-Z / My bratwurst has a second name. / It's
S-C-H-N-A-C-K-E-N-P-H-E-F-F-E-R-H-A-U-S-E-N
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Police
Chief Clancy Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair
city! He is the cancer and I am the... uh... what cures
cancer?
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Faith:
Lisa, I'm Faith Crowley, Patriotism editor of Reading
Digest.
Homer Jay Simpson: Oh I love your magazine! My favorite
section is "How to increase your word power."
That thing is really, really, really... good.
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Homer
Jay Simpson: It's like David and Goliath, only this
time David won!
[Lisa sighs.]
Lisa's Brain: I know, I heard it too. Here's some music.
[Piano music plays quietly. Lisa smiles contentedly.]
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[Answering
the phone]
Bartholomew 'Bart' Jo-Jo Simpson: Joe's Crematorium.
You kill 'em, we grill 'em.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elizabeth
Hoover: Do you want to play John Wilkes Booth, or do
you want to act like a maniac?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Social
Worker: Stupid babies require the most attention.
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Homer:
Just because I don't know doesn't mean I don't understand.
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Kent
Brockman: Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of
men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government
calls it the Army, but a more alarmist name would be...
THE KILLBOT FACTORY!
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Kent
Brockman: Springfield has come down with a fever: football
fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure.
Take 2 tickets, and see the game Sunday morning.
Public Service Announcer: Warning. Tickets should NOT
be taken internally.
Homer Jay Simpson: See? Because of me, now they have
a warning.
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[Writing
a food review]
Homer Jay Simpson: The bread was... the bread was...
Santa's Little Helper: Ruff!
Homer Jay Simpson: You've been pitching that one all
night.
Santa's Little Helper: Chewy?
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Homer
Jay Simpson: Lisa, I've had it with you and your stories.
"Bart's a vampire." "Beer kills brain
cells." Now let's go back to that... building thingy...
where our beds and TV... is.
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Kent
Brockman: Professor, without knowing precisely what
the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers
to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo
inside?
Professor: Yes I would, Kent.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge:
[on radio] Husband on murderous rampage! Send help!
Over.
Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: Whew, thank God that's over.
I was worried for a little bit.
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Homer
Jay Simpson: I've gone back in time to when dinosaurs
weren't just confined to zoos!
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[Homer
pooh-poohs churchgoing.]
Marge Simpson: Don't make me choose between my man and
my God, because you just can't win.
Homer Simpson: There you go again, always taking someone
else's side. Flanders, the water department, God...
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Lisa
Simpson: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have
you ever considered artificial insemination?
Homer Simpson: Boy, I don't know. You'd have to be pretty
desperate to make it with a robot! [Marge whispers something
in his ear] I knew that.
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Bart
Simpson: Lis, everyone in town is acting like me, so
why does it suck?
Lisa Simpson: It's simple, Bart. You've defined yourself
as a rebel. And in the absence of a repressive milieu,
your societal niche has been co-opted.
Bart Simpson: I see.
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Hollis
Hurlbut: Now get out! You're banned from this historical
society! You and your children, and your children's
children! ...For three months.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer
Jay Simpson: Dig him up! Dig up that corpse! If you
really love Jebediah Springfield, you'll haul his bones
out of the ground to prove my daughter wrong! Dig up
his grave! Pull out his tongue!
Mayor 'Diamond' Joe Quimby: Can't we have one meeting
that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?
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Mayor
'Diamond' Joe Quimby: Congratulations Ned, you are our
new town crier. May your shrill, nasal voice ring throughout
our streets and brains.
Ned Flanders: Thankily-dank, Mayor, I shan't disappoint.
Har ye, har ye! I declare myself pinkled tink about
Springfield's Bicen-cidilly-ti-ten-toodly-rin-tin-tennial
Day!
Homer Simpson: You suck-diddily-uck, Flanders! Gimme
that! [Grabs the bell from him] Hear ye! Hear ye! Ye
olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all! Chooseth Homer
Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world!
Police Chief Clancy Wiggum: Good God, he is fabulous!
Seymour Skinner: He's embiggened that role with that
cromulent performance!
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Homer
Jay Simpson: Please don't eat me! I have a wife and
kids. Eat them!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pepi:
Tell me more! I want to know ALL the constellations!
Homer Jay Simpson: Well, that one's Jerry, the cowboy.
And that big dipper-looking thing is Alan, the cowboy.
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Marge:
I'm worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa's becoming very
obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect
her own raincoat.
Homer Jay Simpson: I know. And this perpetual-motion
machine she made today is a joke! It just keeps going
faster and faster.
Marge: And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs
boundaries and structure. There's something about flying
a kite at night that's so unwholesome.
[Looks out window]
Bartholomew 'Bart' Jo-Jo Simpson: [creepily] Hello,
mother dear.
Marge: That's it: we have to get them back to school.
Homer Jay Simpson: I'm with you, Marge. Lisa! Get in
here. [Lisa walks in] In this house, we obey the laws
of thermodynamics!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer
Jay Simpson: Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson,
Lisa: never help anyone.
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Homer
Jay Simpson: You mean you gave away both your dogs?
You know how I feel about giving!
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Homer
Jay Simpson: There, there, Bart. If something's hard,
then it's not worth doing.
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Bartholomew
'Bart' Jo-Jo Simpson: Man, I'm so bored!
Milhouse Van Houten: Wait until we're teenagers, then
we'll be happy!
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Marge
Simpson: Kids can be so cruel!
Bart Simpson: We can? Thanks, Mom!
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Homer
Jay Simpson: If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar,
it's not a fair.
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Homer
Jay Simpson: These candidates make me want to vomit
in terror!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer
Jay Simpson: Why won't those idiots let me into their
crappy club for jerks?
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Superintendent
Chalmers: I've had it with this school, Skinner! Low
test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children...
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Ned
Flanders: A rude Frenchman! Why I never.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer
Jay Simpson: Boy, everyone is stupid except me.
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Marge:
My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea. It may
sound a little boring at first.
Mayor Quimby: Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with
some pornographic playing cards.
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[Marge's
plan to get "Itchy and Scratchy" off the air
backfires]
Marge: I guess one person can make a difference but
most of the time they probably shouldn't.
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Kent
Brockman: At 3pm Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery
Burns was shot following a tense confrontation at Town
Hall. Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital where he
was pronounced dead. He was then transferred to a better
hospital where doctors upgraded his condition to alive.
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[Lisa
wins an essay contest]
Homer Jay Simpson: Woo-hoo! Who woulda guessed reading
and writing would pay off!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer
Jay Simpson: I don't care if Ned Flanders IS the nicest
guy in the world. He's a jerk. End of story.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer
Jay Simpson: [to Bart] I always knew you had personality.
The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Santa's
Little Helper goes off running with George Bush, leaving
Homer all alone]
Homer Jay Simpson: I guess you might say he's barking
up the wrong Bush.
Homer's Brain: There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing
you'll ever say and nobody heard it.
Homer: D'oh!
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[Watching
Homer selling his soul to the devil on a monitor]
Charles Montgomery Burns: Hmm... who's that goat-legged
fellow? I like the cut of his jib.
Waylon Smithers: Er, Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your
eleven o'clock.
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Mr.
Burns: Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons!
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Marge:
We don't think you're slow. But on the other hand, it's
not like you go to museums or read books or anything.
Homer Jay Simpson: Do you think I don't want to? It's
those TV networks Marge. They won't let me. One quality
show after another, each one more brilliant than the
last. If they only stumbled once -- just gave us thirty
minutes to ourselves. But they won't, they won't let
me live!
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PBS
Pledge Drive Host: It's easy to see why it's England's
most long-running series -- and we're showing all of
them, all 7 episodes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa
Marie Simpson: Mom! Dad's on PBS!
Marjorie 'Marge' Bouvier Simpson: Mm? They don't show
police chases, do they?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Selma
Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure: We own you like Siegfried
owns Roy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Carl:
Throw away your self-pity and come get drunk with us.
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[Homer
enters the room]
Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure: Am I wrong,
or did it just get fatter in here?
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Homer
Jay Simpson: Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess
Leia and as smart as Yoda.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer
Jay Simpson: Did you hear that, Marge? She called me
a baboon! The stupidest, smelliest ape of them all!
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[Homer
is a limo driver]
Homer Jay Simpson: Oh wow, I can't believe my first
passenger is comedy legend Mel Brooks! You know that
movie, Young Frankenstein? Scared the hell out of me!
Mel Brooks: Umm, thanks.
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Homer
Jay Simpson: English? Who needs that? I'm never going
to England.
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[Homer
can't stop the monorail]
Marjorie 'Marge' Bouvier Simpson: I've brought somebody
to help you.
Homer Jay Simpson: Is it Batman?
Marjorie 'Marge' Bouvier Simpson: It's a scientist.
Homer Jay Simpson: Batman's a scientist.
Marjorie 'Marge' Bouvier Simpson: It's NOT Batman.
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[The
school has come into money and everyone's suggesting
how to spend it.]
Lunch Lady Doris: The kitchen staff is complaining of
rats in the kitchen. I'd like to hire a new staff.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bees
have escaped from a bee farm]
Beekeeper 1: Hmmm. Awfully quiet around here.
Beekeeper 2: Yes... a little TOO quiet, if you know
what I mean.
Beekeeper 1: Hmmm. Afraid I don't.
Beekeeper 2: You see, bees usually make a lot of noise.
No noise suggests no bees.
Beekeeper 1: Hmm... oh look, there goes one.
Beekeeper 2: To the bee mobile!
Beekeeper 1: You mean your Chevy?
Beekeeper 2: ...Yes.
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Homer
Jay Simpson: People will think what I tell them to think
when you tell me what to tell them to think!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer
Jay Simpson: I wanna shake off the dust of this one-horse
town. I wanna explore the world! I wanna watch TV in
a different time zone! I wanna visit strange, exotic
malls! I'm sick of eating hoagies! I want a grinder,
a sub, a foot-long hero! I want to LIVE, Marge! Won't
you let me live? Won't you, please?!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Krusty
the Clown: Ahh, there's nothing better than a cigarette...
unless it's a cigarette lit with a hundred-dollar bill!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer
Jay Simpson: I can't live the button-down life like
you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying
highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few
of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musty odors
-- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City
Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their
beards, and talk about "What's to be done with
this Homer Simpson?"
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[Moe
is making a fortune from Homer's drink recipe.]
Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation
in the fact that something you created is making so
many people happy.
Homer Jay Simpson: Ooh, look at me! I'm making people
happy! I'm the magical man from Happyland, in a gumdrop
house on Lollipop Lane! [walks out, slams door, then
sticks head back in] Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic.
Marge: Well, duh.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moe:
You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kent
Brockman: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and in this
house a creature *was* stirring. But the only thing
he was stirring was: up trouble.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer
Jay Simpson: Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer
Jay Simpson: Son, when you participate in sporting events,
it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you
get.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Nelson's
friends catch him kissing Lisa.]
Kearney: Aw man! You just kissed a girl!
Jimbo Jones: That is so gay!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seymour
Skinner: There's no justice like angry-mob justice.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marjorie
'Marge' Bouvier Simpson: Aren't you going to perform
the last rites?
Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: That's Catholic, Marge. You might
as well ask me to perform a voodoo dance.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lenny:
We made it! And it's all thanks to teamwork.
Carl: Yeah, *my* teamwork.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police
Chief Clancy Wiggum: I hope this has taught you kids
a leason: kids never learn.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[After
seeing the movie "Naked Lunch"]
Nelson Muntz: I can think of two things wrong with that
title!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Lisa
sees a sign for a "Yahoo Serious Festival"]
Lisa Simpson: I know those words, but that sign doesn't
make sense.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Krusty
faces imprisonment after being revealed as a tax fraud.]
Krusty the Clown: I can't go to jail! I got a swanky
lifestyle. I'm used to the best.
IRS Agent: Krusty, this is America. We don't send our
celebrities to jail. We're just going to garnish your
salary.
Krusty the Clown: You're going to GARNISH my CELERY?
IRS Agent: Please, Krusty, no jokes!
Krusty the Clown: WHO'S JOKING?! Oh, I don't understand
what you're saying, it all sounds so crazy to me!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mayor
'Diamond' Joe Quimby: Oh, dear God. Can't this town
go one day without a riot?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer
uncovers a scheme to supply low-grade milk to the school]
Homer Jay Simpson: They're milking rats! RATS!
Mayor 'Diamond' Joe Quimby: [to Fat Tony] Rats?! You
promised me dog or higher!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[About
to watch dinner theater]
Ned Flanders: Dear Lord, please let tonight's production
be better than Othello starring Peter Marshall.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mark
Hamill: [singing to the tune of "Luck Be A Lady"]
Luke be a Jedi tonight! Just be a Jedi tonight! Do it
for for Yoda, while we serve our guests a soda!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer
Jay Simpson: I think I saw him in Rent, or Stomp, or
Clomp, or some piece of crap like that.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer
Jay Simpson: If he's so smart, how come he's dead?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newspaper
Tour Guide: And each paper contains a certain percentage
of recycled paper.
Lisa Marie Simpson: What percentage is that?
Newspaper Tour Guide: Zero. Zero is a percent, isn't
it?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marjorie
'Marge' Bouvier Simpson: You love Shake n' Bake! You
used to put it in your coffee!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lucy
Lawless: I'll take you home.
[Lucy flies, carrying Bart and Lisa.]
Lisa Marie Simpson: Hey, Xena can't fly!
Lucy Lawless: I told you, I'm not Xena. I'm Lucy Lawless.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer
Jay Simpson: We can outsmart those dolphins! Don't forget
-- we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws,
peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole, AND the pudding
cup!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[After
the angel hoax is exposed.]
Homer Jay Simpson: What the hell are we going to do
with 10,000 angel ashtrays?!
Bartholomew 'Bart' Jo-Jo Simpson: I could take up smoking.
Homer Jay Simpson: You damn well better.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Pulling
broccoli from Homer's corpse.]
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Another broccoli-related death.
Marjorie 'Marge' Bouvier Simpson: But I thought broccoli
was...
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants
on earth. It tries to warn you itself with its terrible
taste.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer's
ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good
deed to get into heaven.
Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the
garage, paint the house...
Homer's ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get
in, I'm not running for Jesus.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bartholomew
'Bart' Jo-Jo Simpson: We want the truth!
Sideshow Bob: You can't handle the truth! No truth-handler,
you! I deride your truth-handling abilities.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ned
Flanders: Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful
day.
Superintendent Chalmers: "Thank the Lord"?
That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school!
God has no place within these walls, just like facts
don't have a place within an organized religion!
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Homer
Jay Simpson: Bad bees! Get away from my sugar! Ow! OW!!
Oh, they're defending themselves somehow!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Troy
McClure: [Reading a fan letter] "How does Matt
Groening manage to crank out a brand new episode of
The Simpsons each week?" Well, I'm glad you asked.
That's why we sent someone over there to find out!
[Matt Groening in his office, drinking whiskey. He notices
the camera.]
Matt Groening: Get outta my office!
[Shoots the cameraman.]
Troy McClure: Of course what he MEANT to say, according
to his lawyers, was that he couldn't possibly do it
alone!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer
Jay Simpson: I want to set the record straight: I thought
the cop was a prostitute.
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Bartholomew
'Bart' Jo-Jo Simpson: [answering the phone] Joe's Taxidermy.
You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kodos:
We must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward,
and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Homer
is undergoing major surgery. Grampa visits him in hospital.]
Abraham 'Grampa' Simpson: They say the greatest tragedy
is when a father outlives his son. I've never understood
why that is; frankly, I can see an upside to it! Ha
ha!
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[Lisa
has been caught looking out the window at Nelson during
band practise.]
Class: Lisa likes Nelson!
Milhouse Van Houten: She does not!
Class: Milhouse likes Lisa!
Janey Powell: He does not!
Class: Janie likes Milhouse!
Uter: She does not!
Class: Uder likes Milhouse!
Professor Ludwig: Silence! NOBODY likes Milhouse!
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Mother
Simpson: [sings] How many roads must a man walk down
/ Before you can call him a man...
Homer Jay Simpson: Seven!
Lisa Marie Simpson: No, dad, it's a rhetorical question.
Homer Jay Simpson: OK, eight.
Lisa Marie Simpson: Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical"
means?
Homer Jay Simpson: Do *I* know what "rhetorical"
means?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer
Jay Simpson: Look Marge, you don't know what it's like
-- I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on
the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order!
The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want
the truth? You want the truth?! You can't HANDLE the
truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand
into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face,
you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown!
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