A Course in Miracles® is unique as a spiritual pathway in that it promises a faster way "home" through the transformation of our special relationships into holy relationships. It is strange that many students are still unaware that this process is deeply intrinsic to the entire thought system, even though almost a third of the Text is devoted to the subject. Those who have studied only the Workbook probably would not have encountered the subject, for there it is only implied, (in contrast to the specific and detailed treatment in the Text.)

I remember the impact of opening A Course in MIracles® for the first time, and feeling that I had finally found what I had been seeking my entire life. I also recall a vague thought that I was simply remembering what I once knew long, long ago. At some level I seemed to know that by applying the ideas in the Course I could find the way back to my real home. Everything I read seemed unquestionably correct, although often opposite to what the world reveres as "truth".

Then I encountered the subject of special relationships. I instinctively rejected the ideas, but found myself in a dilemma. I thought, "this can't be true", and yet I had experienced no difficulty in accepting everything I had read up to that point. However, in its usual uncanny way, the Course seemed to have anticipated my resistance, for I reached the following paragraph, and became convinced that the radical ideas on special relationships were true also:

You have but little difficulty now in realizing that the thought system the special relationship protects is but a system of delusions. You recognize, at least in general terms that the ego is insane. Yet the special relationship stills seems somehow to be "different". Yet we have looked at it far closer than we have at many other aspects of the ego's thought system that you have been willing to let go. While this one remains, you will not let the others go. Retain this one, and you have retained the whole. T-17.IV.6.

My severe negative reaction to this demonstrated that I had found my major block. At that time I was unaware that we all experience the same problems in varying degrees and forms. I shared the ever-popular views about "love" and didn't consider it insane to believe that one could hate and "love" together. After all, "minor" disagreements made life interesting, and wasn't it fun to make-up afterwards? It appeared perfectly reasonable to declare that I would be faithful provided my partner was also, (implying that if such cooperation weren't forthcoming the deal would be over). Wasn't this how the game should be played?

The logic of the Text, together with the exercises and techniques advocated in the Workbook, teach us to experiment with forgiving the people who come into our lives on a casual basis: the motorist who cuts us off in traffic, the person who jumps the queue in the bank. We are convinced into attempting such forgiveness by being brought to the realization that our feelings of anger toward such people arise because we are seeing in them aspects of our own nature and behavior, which we would prefer not to be reminded of.

Flushed with success and an awareness of peace after relinquishing attack thoughts at that level, we then are able to work on the special hate relationships that may have been agony for years. For we realize that unless we forgive those people (regardless of whether they are still physically present to us) we cannot know the lasting peace the Course promises is waiting for us.

These relationships usually have a long history and our forgiveness is not lasting. Forgiveness would appear not to be a "one-shot effort", but rather requires on-going practice (especially when noticeable acceptance is not forthcoming from the other party.

The Course states that our strongest special hate relationships are disguised as special love relationships. It describes special love relationships as "the ego's most-boasted gift", as they are so cleverly concealed that we are unable to recognize their true nature without sustained study and practice. This is an all-inclusive problem, as the Text reminds us: "everyone on earth has formed special relationships".

Why do we form them? They are a defense against a deeper, unrecognized sense of guilt and emptiness. The Course teaches that we asked a favor of God that he did not give because pain is not His Will. We asked for special love from Him, but in reality all the Sons of God have received the total Love of God. They are thus equally (and maximally) loved. Such an insane request is therefore equivalent to an assault upon God, and ourselves for we must first believe that we are something other than Love before asking to be given special love. This belief is the attack and by believing that we have attacked God, He is inevitably seen as attacking us as it is impossible to conceive of one's Creator as unlike our self. All guilt arises from this "separation" from God, and we are in fear of His "wrath", although the whole fabrication is actually unreal and God is not angry.

However, believing the fabrication to be real, and continuing to desire specialness, we continue to regard God as an enemy who will inevitably destroy us. This is intolerable, and we are "forced" to contrive a defense of denial and projection. We think that by seeing the problem outside of our own mind we will somehow be safe. However, since ideas do not leave their source, we still continue to feel the effects of such thoughts, but believe the cause to be external. The ultimate defense is therefore the special love relationship wherein for we hope to find rest and comfort within the "haven" of the other person's innocence and within their respect and "love" for us.

This is why the special love relationship is referred to as the ego's most-boasted gift. It seems to be salvation, although we never exactly pinpoint what it is supposedly saving us from. We simply think we have found someone who will give us the love and acceptance we secretly believe we don't deserve. As long as the illusion persists that we have found completion in that other person, we need never be aware of our repressed guilt, nor of the punishment we unconsciously feel pursuing us.

Accompanying the belief in separation from God is the belief in separation from our brothers. The special love partner serves as an "ally" against the external evils we perceive. The recurrent theme of "you and me against the world" in many popular songs illustrates how deeply these beliefs pervade our minds.

Desiring separate individual specialness, we came into this life seeking it, and therefore striving after special relationships. First we used our parents in this way (as they reciprocally sought to use us, and as we in turn attempt to use our children), and then others along the way as that relationship soured. The entire structure of the world and its laws is therefore based on special relationships. This is reflected at the international level where certain countries form special relationships with certain other countries so that they both can defend (in war, in culture, in economics) against "enemy countries". And such relationships go sour in the same way as inter-personal relationships; - the partner no longer seems to be carrying out their "role". But the relationship is insane; as is further evidenced by the way we demand different things of the relationship at different times. Sometimes we want to be the leader and have the other person meekly follow us. When we tire of the responsibility of this role we become a follower ourselves but eventually complain of being "walked over".

During the "honeymoon period" we are happy to make a bargain giving away what we don't regard as valuable in order to obtain the truly precious innocence of the other person. If they happen to feel the same way we have found what the ego calls "a marriage made in heaven". But all honeymoons end, since we inevitably realize that we are still feeling guilty and anxious inside, and the other person no longer seems to be relieving it for us. In fact, our focus upon the other person being salvation has only deepened these feelings. "Defenses do what they would defend", which means that using a defense increases our conviction in the reality and extent of the problem. This can be seen in the utter devastation experienced when a "loved one" dies, or suddenly decides to leave. Although the bargains can sometimes be renegotiated, resulting in a second honeymoon period, the associated reinforcement of the repressed belief in our unworthiness will inevitably cause the guilt to intrude again into our conscious minds. This is characterized by feelings of resentment at being unfairly treated by the other person. "I gave up the best part of my life for them, etc, etc." In the early stages of this disillusionment we will try to hold the other person in their role through guilt, since the ego really believes that it can attract others to it in this way (referred to as the attraction of guilt). As Ken Wapnick once said: "love doesn't make the world go round, ... guilt does."

The ego always demands reciprocal rights in an attempt to rectify the "injustices" it sees in the relationship and the painful results of such projection abound. Common examples are the male who withholds love from his wife because "she doesn't understand his needs", and the female who withholds love from her husband because "he doesn't comprehend that women need to feel loved". In neither case do they understand the law of seeing: that we perceive others doing to us what we secretly believe we've done to them (and nothing else). The wish to "get" feelings of love, understanding and respect from the other person reveals the underlying motive the ego has in forming the relationship. If we were truly thinking loving thoughts we would see them in others. Any desire to get love from someone else will only deepen the feelings of guilt, for the only real solution lies in the memory that we are still as God created us. Any loveless self-conception is a needlessly tragic mistake.

In a special relationship we soon develop skills of manipulation, becoming more skilful the longer the relationship lasts. When criticized, we counter-attack with a long list of past hurts and grievances in an attempt to shift the guilt to the other party.

When the relationship sours "another can be found", but we cannot substitute one brother for another and really change anything, since the problem wasn't in the other person; the problem was in our own mind. However, whereas our ego perceives all relationships as special in order to serve its needs, the Holy Spirit (God's Correction to the insane thought of separation) provides a different purpose by reinterpreting them. He asks that we see that brother as "a chosen learning partner who presents unlimited opportunities for learning". The more important the relationship seems to be to us, the more lessons we can potentially learn. This involves looking at them for what they are, releasing the insane desires that made them seem essential. And we are told further that in the recognition of our true completion with our brother is that completion naturally extended in our awareness to embrace all our brothers everywhere.

We can commence the healing process by truly desiring that the relationship serve the goal of forgiveness, rather than a tragic game of "guilt ping-pong". This means recognizing that we don't know what the relationship is for, and therefore do not know either how to heal it or how to find escape from the pain. These are necessary preconditions for genuine asking, and the Holy Spirit truly wastes no time. We then are asked not to forsake our brother, as our relationship was reborn the instant we truly had this desire, although we may seem to slip back. (This does not necessarily mean that we will stay physically with the person. To leave or stay is not something that we should decide on our own. Only the Holy Spirit could possibly provide a peaceful answer in which no one loses. "Forsake not your brother now" refers to attitude and thought, not to physical location, although they would quite often coincide.)
The Course says that a holy relationship is learned, and involves a process. After we have asked the Holy Spirit to enter the relationship He loses "no time in introducing the practical results of asking Him to enter." According to the Course, "the only difficult phase is at the beginning" but it then devotes quite a lot of space to describing the discomfort we are likely to feel. Certainly the initial shift needs to be abrupt, or our ego will have time to rationalize the whole process is such a way as to make it ineffective. Thus, we will suddenly realize that we no longer want the same old things from the relationship and almost certainly experience some confusion in thinking that things are being taken away, for we would not have yet fully recognized their lack of value. This is a time to continue to have faith in yourself and your brother, and in the Holy Spirit. The same Thought that initially enabled us to begin to shift our perception of the relationship is still available to us if we but continue to reaffirm the original desire. You will begin to see your ego motives clearly, and realize that your investment in the relationship was merely to fulfil your own fantasies and dreams, which are themselves unnecessary once guilt is gone. We had loved the dream that seemed to shield us from the "wrath" of God, but we had not loved the dreamer. The Course then reminds us:

You who hold your brother's hand also hold mine, for when you joined each other you were not alone. Do you believe that I would leave you in the darkness that you agreed to leave with me? In your relationship is this world's light. And fear must disappear before you now. Be tempted not to snatch away the gift of faith you offered to your brother. You will succeed only in frightening yourself. The gift is given forever, for God Himself received it. You cannot take it back. You have accepted God. The Holiness of your relationship is established in Heaven. You do not understand what you accepted, but remember that your understanding is not necessary. All that was necessary was merely the wish to understand. That wish was the desire to be Holy. The Will of God is granted you. For you desire the only thing you ever had, or ever were.T-18.III.4.

The holy relationship is thus a lesson in returning our focus back to the Love that we are, at one with our brother, away from illusions that only root us deeper into guilt. However, for most of us the process seems to involve going back and forth between using the relationship for the old "special" purposes, and using it for the new "holy" one. The idea is to reduce the amount of time in which we are doing the former, until we see no value at all in the special relationship and remain in a continuous holy relationship with everyone everywhere. Eventually we recognize that for our relationship to become holy we must release to be released and let go the list of cherished grievances we hold against our brother.

"Dream softly of your sinless brother, who unites with you in holy innocence. And from this dream the Lord of Heaven will Himself awaken His beloved Son. Dream of your brother's kindnesses instead of dwelling in your dreams on his mistakes. Select his thoughtfulness to dream about instead of counting up the hurts he gave. Forgive him his illusions, and give thanks to him for all the helpfulness he gave. And do not brush aside his many gifts because he is not perfect in your dreams. He represents his Father, Whom you see as offering both life and death to you.
Brother, He gives but life. Yet what you see as gifts your brother offers represent the gifts you dream your Father gives to you. Let all your brother's gifts be seen in light of charity and kindness offered you. And let no pain disturb your dream of deep appreciation for his gifts to you.". T-27.VII.15.

Bill McDonald o 1985 Revised 1998