AN AUSTRALIAN EXPERIENCE

Eventually we all pause to reflect on our life and we begin to notice that all the seemingly different goals we have striven for have had one common characteristic: They didn't bring us lasting happiness. At this stage, we are ready to question everything we have learned in the past. We have come to a desperation point when we realise we cannot continue to search for answers in this world seemingly designed not to work. We feel trapped in the complicated life-style we have made and in our cry for help we ask for answers to the questions of who we really are and why we came here. This is always a painful time that can lead to a feeling of hopeless despair, but it also has the great potential for spiritual growth. I had reached such a turning point one morning in early 1980 when my wife Pam and I were discussing a vivid dream she had the night before. I suggested it would be interesting if this life were the dream and our sleeping dreams were just another form of unreality. This led to a long and frank discussion about the future direction of our lives. Our building business had been very successful. I didn't think I wanted to trade places with anyone else and felt we were as happy as anyone else I knew, probably happier than most. Our children were not causing problems and we didn't lack any material things we wanted, but I still knew something was missing. We also knew at some level that the old way of thinking would only guarantee more of the same and the empty feeling would remain or even worsen unless we made some major changes to our life but we had no idea how that could be achieved.

I look back on this time of our joining together to find another way. A week or so later we received a brochure in the post advising of a forthcoming introductory talk on A Course in Miracles®, (what ever that was?) to be given by Judy Skutch and Bill Whitson in three weeks time.

The brochure had an immediate affect on Pam and she asked me to accompany her to the talk, as I had many times before whenever any `new age' speaker, guru or sage visited Sydney. Our crammed bookshelves bore witness to the many pathways we had taken, all of which ended in disillusionment. I refused to go this time, feeling an acute case of `spiritual overload' and in the mood I was in, I frankly didn't care if I ever attended another lecture or read another enlightening book. Pam however, was not dismayed by my attitude and could not get the lecture out of her mind, but the more she asked, the more I resisted. On the day of the lecture I happened to turn on my car radio where I heard Judy being interviewed on a Sydney radio talk show. The interviewer had a jaded and sceptical manner and his loaded questions reflected a negative attitude. I was so impressed by her assured conviction as she patiently answered the questions, lovingly and non-defensively, I stopped at the next public telephone to ring Pam saying I would love to go to the talk that night after all.

Judy and Bill's talk was very interesting and not too threatening as I recall it now. I felt comfortable enough with what I heard to buy those three heavy blue books that night, having no idea what a milestone the Course was to be in my life which would never be the same again. It wasn't until I arrived home and opened the books to read sections at random that the full impact hit me. "This looks like Truth" I recall saying to Pam. "But" (remembering past experiences with other teachings that also looked good initially) "As soon as I find something I can't go along with, I will chuck these books away."

I was hooked from the beginning and poured over the books at every opportunity commencing with the text that I studied intently over the next 3 or 4 months. As it turned out, there were many times when I wanted to throw the books away, not because I didn't believe them, but rather because I did! The ideas put forward on one hand seemed preposterous in the eyes of the world and yet made more common sense than anything I had ever heard in my life. Although the concepts were the opposite to the world's, I recalled previously thinking many of these thoughts and I had a sense that everything that was being presented in the Course was merely reminding me of what I already knew long ago. To read that the world is just a dream I am dreaming, seemed in one instant to answer every question I have ever asked and even gave answers to many I had not yet asked.

The jig saw was coming together and the facts were indisputable: God knows nothing of this earth's insanity.... Hallelujah! And who was it who could gently speak without any ego and yet with such authority? And who could have such unending love and absolute faith in me, with total disregard of my past failures and `sins'? I had no doubt this thought system could not have been conceived by a mere mortal: it had to be Jesus, the one who I had written off long ago in the search for more exciting gurus and teachings. There could be no other explanation for me. I was convinced. Pam was very patient as I went through vast changes in my attitude to life and those around me, probably because she knew any change would have to be an improvement. Ironically she was the one that wanted to hear Judy and Bill and yet I was the one who became absorbed in the books. She says she thought she would patiently wait until I finished them but as I knew this was likely to take some time, I bought her a set of her own and we joined each other on the same journey.

I dedicated two or three hours every morning to the study of this teaching knowing it would be a lengthy project as almost everything I believed in had to be undone. I figured that I had nothing to lose and I had the willingness to question every value that I held. I was questioning even the `good' things like my reputation as an honest businessman and upright citizen that I had cultivated for many years. My specialness had always been important to me and I worked hard at being respected and presenting a `good image'. Now I could see it had been all meaningless. Improving other people's impression of you cannot remove deep-seated feelings of unworthiness. It was so exciting to be getting another chance at life and I fervently recorded all the meaningful `one liners' that affected me.

One major milestone was when I came across the statement "Do you prefer that you be right or happy?". Text 573/II-617. Being right had been my life's work up to then. Come to think of it, that was a primary reason for starting my own business: I even paid people now to tell me I was right! What did I care if it made everybody around me miserable? My `good intentions' of the past were certainly questionable in the light of my new understanding. I was learning to ask "what for?" about every move before I made it.

When I had finished the text I started straight away doing the workbook, an experience I will never forget. I couldn't wait to find out my lesson for the new day and experiencing the fruits of that lesson as I went about my daily work. I felt I was almost goading Holy Spirit to present me with unmistakable experiences so I could reverse my thinking. To me it was if I was having miracle after miracle. At work and at home, opportunities to choose once again came up every day as I learned how to deal with my brothers in a totally different way. I noticed that when I released my desire to win at someone else's expense things ran smoother than before.

Taking responsibility for everything that seems to happen to you is very threatening to the ego. However, the benefits from such a realisation far outweigh the fears. I realised that if every feeling I have, emanates from my misperceptions, at least now I could do something about it.

Without doubt the most difficult phase was when I reached page 290/II-312 in the text dealing with special relationships in unmistakable detail. Up to that time I had become completely convinced of the Course's authenticity and Jesus as it's author. I fervently resisted what I was now reading; wanting not to believe it, but somehow knowing it was true. I saw myself in every line. This book knows everything about my secret thoughts. I knew I had come across my major block, and it was concrete! Our personal relationship was as special as anybody's could be initially and there was much to undo before it could be changed to a Holy relationship, and it is an ongoing project. I started to realise how special relationships are entirely based having our own needs met and a fantasy of love is the fabric that holds it together. When the fantasy fabric fades and weakens we try to restore it with guilt directed at the other party, only exacerbating the problem.

The giving up of those fantasies is a continuous process of change during which there have been experiences of minds being joined and others when "that little insane wish" produced conflict. We have become very aware that our problems are never outside ourselves and we are merely being shown our remaining "trouble spots" where further work is needed. Mostly, the one who is saner at the time helps the other not take things so seriously limiting the problem to a brief transitory event. More and more we are realising that we are not alone in this experience, but rather we are here to help each other.

Over time I have noticed our moods are becoming increasingly synchronised so we cannot feel pain or joy separately, proving to me that minds are connected. "For what one thinks, the other will experience with him." text p. 450/II-484. The special relationships we have formed with those close to us are not likely to be made holy overnight and I am convinced the final workshop of life will be with them. These relationships enshrine our belief in our own specialness that will be the last thing we will ever give up.

I have never found the Course easy to do, and it has been a long haul involving massive changes in my thinking. Looking at our entrenched and often well hidden blocks is never pleasant but is necessary if we are to achieve lasting results. If we merely dwell on those passages that talk of joy and light we miss out on the real joy which can be experienced as each block to love is at least loosened (if not completely removed yet).

During those first few years, I had many very strange and synchronistic experiences that could not be rationally explained. Early efforts to forgive produced remarkable results convincing me of the Course's validity. In hindsight, as I reflect on the emotions felt in those early years I realise how differently I now look at life and even the Course. The ingenuity and universality of A Course in Miracles is much more remarkable than I first thought. In those early days `my' Holy Spirit was more like a Santa Clause than the voice for God and yet I was still able to make major changes in my life. Because of my willingness to find a better way, I feel Holy Spirit and Jesus were able to work within the parameters of my evolving belief system at each stage along the way, without forcing or coercing me to give up any belief I wanted to hang on to. I had total freedom to gradually let go my belief in magic when I was willing to do so. My view of life is much more abstract now and I would not expect Holy Spirit to `do' anything in an illusion. I see His only true function now is to help me loosen my belief in this world, leading eventually to my waking up.

I see now that the only significance of synchronistic events is to recognise the power of the mind to project out in the world what is already in our minds. If we are listening to our egos we will see evidence of that thinking in the world. If we are listening to the voice for God, then evidence of those loving thoughts we will see out in the world.

In recalling my own feelings as an initiate, and observing how much I still want to hang on to this world, I am more able now to accept the magic thoughts of new Miracle students. Although it does not claim exclusivity, I believe A Course in Miracles® is a Divinely inspired masterpiece: a `One size fits all' spiritual pathway which can help everyone who seeks a better way to live. Jesus is very versatile and no one who wants help could fail to get it from applying the Course in the best way they are able.

Is this a tough Course? : You bet.

Can the ego pose as Holy Spirit? : The ego is an absolute master of disguise.

The most important lesson I have learned is not to underestimate the ego's attraction. As long as the smallest remnant remains in our mind, we have the potential for the ego's full-blown murderous self.

Both Pam and I are eternally grateful to have found the Course and to Jesus and my earthly brothers who brought it into form and gave it to the world. We know absolutely, it is our pathway and our continued willingness to apply the principles of A Course in Miracles in our lives will eventually help us remove all our blocks to finding the peace of God. There is nothing more here that anyone could possibly ask for.

Bill and Pam McDonald 1992 (Update Feb. 1998)