The relationships page contains anecdotal comment on getting into new relationships and the lessons that a person can take from getting to know new people.

This page deals with the possible lessons from relationships that are going or have gone wrong. I'll keep the commentary nameless and leave it to your imagination as to who the relevant ex-partner may be.

I believe I have always tried to do the right thing, and even if the relationship couldn't work, I didn't want to cause my ex any further hardship. As you read through the following, you may or may not agree.

If you don't want to break up, make sure that you:

• Keep making an effort
• Don't play games
• Trust one another
• Add a spark!
• Have some idea
• Some things are just not meant to be
• Do unto others....
• Some people always have half full glasses
• Always make sure your own conscience is clear

Keep making an effort

Firstly - To be in a relationship that you want to keep alive and fresh, you have to continually work at it. If you slack off, the other person may not make up the difference for what you are no longer putting in. Keep that in mind if you ever have cause to think, "This relationship is different from what I thought I got into X number of years or weeks or days ago." If either or both of you have stopped putting effort into keeping the relationship alive, it probably won't be for much longer!

Back to Top

Don't play games

It took a niece of mine to point that one out to me about one of the relationships I was in. I was so much in love that I kept doing more and trying harder and didn't see that my partner was backing away. I finally stopped running after my partner, and told her that someone else might be romantically interested in me, She took the interesting step of instead of giving me the attention I was craving, she set out to get someone else interested in her! (Perhaps to make me jealous? Or perhaps to "get even"?) Her choice was a married man who's wife had recently had a baby! As she had chosen to give her love to him instead of me, the marriage was over.

Back to Top

Trust one another

Another partner grew to live more and more of her life through me. When I wasn't at work, I had to spend every moment with her. Initially this was flattering that she was so "in to me". Before long, it became a bit scary that she was so insanely jealous when I spent any time away from her. If I was more than 5 minutes later coming home from work, she wanted to know where I had been. Who i had stopped off to see, and what her name was! It got so that I started to seriously think of getting myself a "girl friend" as I was being accused of being unfaithful for no reason. One night when we'd had an argument about something, i got up and went to go and sleep on the couch. This partner got up out of bed in a rage, grabbing a kitchen carving knife and screaming out "If I can't have it, no one else can either" tried to grab at my penis so she could cut it off. She tried a number of times to commit suicide, and once I had to take her to hospital to get her stomach pumped. I finally just left even though she tried threats of suicide, and of dismembering me, and whatever else she could think of to keep me there.

Back to Top

Add a spark!

Even though we weren't that old, one of my partners and I were like an old married couple very quickly. There was no spark, little affection, and no sex. Hearing the words "I love you" sounded so hollow from them. I needed more and soon moved on.

Back to Top

Have some idea of what you are getting into before making any commitment

Another had a family that were quite scary! Most of the family were on benefits, and none of them worked. They all had big plans for how I would be looking after their daughter/sister AND them as well. As soon as I realised where this family were navigating me, I extracted myself with the lame excuse to her of "I don't think things are working out. I'm going to spend some time by myself to get to know me better." I did actually go and do that!

Back to Top

Some things are just not meant to be

Quite a number of the ladies I have been involved with have quickly got tired of waiting for me to "make a move on them". It seems they were not used to being treated like a lady, and assumed I was not interested when I had not put the "hard word" on them.

Back to Top

Do unto others....

After she chose to leave me with the reason "If you don't know now, you never will", one of my ex's continued to hound me. Although there was a "child of the marriage" I stayed away from the child as my ex's new partner was HIV. I wrote her a letter after her last legal effort and include it (with dates, names and solicitor's details removed) below. She rang my work number and raved on about how that letter it was nothing but lies, and if I really felt that way, I was "screwed in the head". Interestingly, less than a year earlier, she had indicated that she had made a bad decision to have ever left me.

I believe that I have ALWAYS been more than fair in my dealings with you and also endeavoured to do all in my power for the best of "B". At some point, enough is enough! Both you and "B" need to learn to stand on your own two feet.

Considering that when YOU left me when "B" was 15 months old “because you didn’t think I was the right role model for "B"”, and I:

Ø      had no job,

Ø      had little prospect of getting employed,

Ø      recently had, and needed further operations due to my motor bike crash,

Ø      had spent the last of MY compensation settlement money on relocating us to Brisbane (which you agreed to but only ended up residing at for a single night and in another bedroom),

Ø      arranged and agreed by you 8 days later (with legal advice provided to me by my solicitor and to you by your solicitor) to make a property settlement AND lump sum once-only maintenance payment to you by way of:

o       giving you virtually all the furniture (estimated value at the time of $12,000) and I then drove it all down to you and your boyfriend (partly at my own expense),

o       allowing you to retain the Alfa Romeo which you agreed to make all further payments for and indemnify me from any claim or default 

o       the remaining monies in our joint account which totalled $800 at the time

Ø      Surely this is enough? But no, your boyfriend then crashed the Alfa Romeo (which is only in my name and now has no insurance) and you leave me to make all further payments and pick up the associated costs which amounted to more than $6,500

Surely this is now enough? No! You then give me further proof that you are a liar and opportunist who lacks integrity when you take me to court 3 years later for ongoing maintenance.

Ø      Under court’s instructions, I have then paid a further $52,202.86 in maintenance until "B" turned 18

Having given you over $71,500 tax free from when you left me to be with your new boyfriend, surely I have now done enough? Obviously not as you have chosen to commence this latest legal action!

So, I agree (under sufferance) to pay yet another 7 months of $450 a month purely to assist "B" to remain at school to finish his studies. As I really feel I have done MORE than enough already, I request some degree of proof of "B"’s scholastic progress to find:

Ø     You have the audacity to rename the child to have your boyfriend's surname and then feel free to chase me for his maintenance! When you asked me about your boyfriend adopting "B", I told you back then that if you felt that was in "B"’s best interests go ahead, BUT ONLY if your boyfriend then also maintained the child. As your boyfriend has NOT been maintaining the child, you have no right to change his surname without my consent. I’ll be following this through and if I find that there has been an adoption (which I have NOT agreed to nor signed anything for), I’ll be fighting tooth and nail for the recovery of all the monies I have paid you.

Ø    Whenever you have mentioned "B"’s results or progress at school, you have always portrayed him as someone who is very bright, doing well and great at sports. I now get to see the very first report of his that I have ever been shown, and it would seem to show that he is lazy, struggling to make effective use of class time, and not coping too well with anything much except Business Management and English. I believe the accuracy of my assessment of "B"’s results are further evidenced by your hand written comment on that report ”As his mum I would say it’s the best response from teachers and "B" toward his schoolwork I ever known”. With results like these and a third of the teachers assessments showing “Seldom” or “Rarely”, it seems there’s a problem with "B"’s attitude to learning? If he’s trying to get into an apprenticeship or the Police force or the armed services, maybe he’d better pull his finger out?

As you have shown me that you are quite prepared to lie and work the system to find easier ways, I have to question how much of what you told me whilst we were husband and wife was truth and how much was untruth. I know that you lied to me for years with your faking orgasms during sex. I know that "B" is biologically NOT mine as I am and always have been sterile. I strongly believe "B" is a full blood brother to "K", and NOT the result of an artificial insemination program that WE had agreed to. If I had the spare cash to get your sons DNA tested, I would certainly be doing just that.

By comparison, quite a number of other divorced women that Shona and I are aware of are struggling to get by and also find that the system does not support them in extracting maintenance from the children's father.

Also interesting is the fact that this same ex-partner of mine would never attempt to get maintenance for her second child as she knows that child's father would never pay it! Perhaps she is also concerned about physical abuse as she has told me that he has beaten her on more than one occasion? 

Back to Top

Some people always have half full glasses

As we were living a fair distance from work and I was trying to help one of my ex's to get back on her own feet, I signed the house over, and also let her have full use of a company car (which I paid for directly our of my salary) for a year after we split. I thought this was quite generous of me (and a lot of male and female colleagues told me I was nuts!), however I heard that she was complaining that I "stuck" her with the house and it wasn't fair when I wanted the company car back!

Back to Top

Always make sure your own conscience is clear

Another ex told me that I owed her a few thousand dollars for the financial assistance she had provided to put me in a new car. Even though she took the car when we parted (she told me she couldn't trust me to make the payments), and I was out of pocket as well as having no car, I paid her what she estimated.

Back to Top