Things that make you go "Ewww"!

As you go about your business in life, there are various things that happen which will change the direction you travel. I'm talking about things that are a little (or a lot) under your own control. Whatever happens, you will have made a choice, and you may now be on a different road. The different road may or may not still contain the same possibilities in your future. If your future possibilities have changed, it is likely that you have gone though a major life event. Apart from things on the horizon now looking different from before, your thinking and attitude may have changed as well.

This page is about the life events which I have experienced and how they have changed me.

• Leaving school too young
• Getting married too young
• Breaking the vow of 'til death us do part'
• Assuming road rules keep you safe on a motorbike
• Becoming an amputee
• Being in a relationship just because you're lonely
• Being a loan guarantor

Choosing to leave school

Although I had a scholarship (which paid for all my books and provided a small allowance as well), I chose to leave school and get a job at the end of year 11. My main motivation at the time was that as my father kept the allowance money and drank it down the pub, I wasn't going to support his habits! Effectively, I told myself I was leaving school to teach him a lesson. The consequences are that although I've done a fairly large number of short courses, I still don't have a qualification. Granted, I could go back part time and get a piece of paper that says I am qualified for something, but it is harder to get into study when you've been away from it for a while.

I am mildly successful in what I do. However, I have a grave concern that if they ever do a restructure of the area I am in, I will end up retrenched.

The lesson I'd suggest from this - It might seem tough and like the only option at the time, but try to figure out what the longer term consequences will be. If I were doing it again, I'd tough it out at home and make sure I got through some more schooling.

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Getting married at 19

My parents were never really close nor affectionate. My sister and I were not close either. I grew up thinking that love was a conceptual thing like God. That it took faith in the unknown (or something like that) to understand what love was. It was an ideal that people aspired to, but no one really knew about. That was why there were so many songs about it (was my reasoning at the time).

When I met Farida I got an idea that things might be a bit different from what I'd figured out about life and love. She was very sweet and caring, and I really would have liked to explore the possibilities further, but felt wrong with her being older and me not knowing what I should be doing. She got me thinking at least!

Then I met Jane. She felt good, smelt good, was good to talk with, enjoyed me being close, and gave back all the affections I gave her. She was also the same age as me. It was the most amazing time! I was on "cloud 9" and never wanted this to stop. Surely this must be love? As Jane's parents were moving to a new home in the country, the only way to stop Jane from also going (back then) was to marry her!

So we got married, and I gradually got to know the rest of Jane. Sadly, all the things I was learning about her after we were married were the things that would have stopped me from getting into a relationship with her in the first place.

Lesson - When you choose your life partner, make sure you know all about them! Ensure you are going to love the conversation, activities, travels, outings, etc as much as the affectionate times. You might be sexually compatible with someone, but find you can't hold a conversation with them afterwards! Unless all your time together is going to be for practising the karma sutra, you'll want to be able to sustain a conversation with them at some point.

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Choosing to leave my wife

My life had got very unpleasant with a wife who kept me close to her when I wasn't at work. She didn't like any of my friends, so I wasn't allowed to see them any more! Threatened to hurt herself if she thought I was drifting away. Accused me of being unfaithful if I was minutes later home from work. Demanded I took her out and entertained her after I got home from work as she'd been home all day and needed other stimulus.

I finally resolved that I needed to take control of my life again as she was destroying me. The only way to do that was to leave the marriage. I'm still not proud of myself for being the one to leave the marriage, but I don't think Jane nor I would be as well off as we are today if I'd stayed on. Jane actually took some control back of her life after me and is doing fine I believe.

Lesson - Sometimes the unpleasant is what you need to do for self-preservation purposes.

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Assuming "right of way" on a motorbike

I reasoned that if I travelled on my motorbike in such a way that I could stop to give way to all other road users, I might as well walk. So when I rode my bike I tried to "force" my "right of way" by flashing my lights and blasting my horn at people who cut me off.

Problem is that people are more and more irrational on the roads. Some are so full of aggression that if you use your horn at them, they use their's straight back and also try to swerve into you. If they were a problem driver before, once you've used your horn at them, they are now more of a problem, and they are focussing on getting back at you! (I think some drivers are embarrassed when someone catches them doing something wrong, so they try to force you into making an error too!)

I got skittled a few times by people pulling out of driveways, doing u-turns, and even by a bus pulling out in front of me then stopping across the whole road! The worst was when I had to get scraped up off the road after a P-plate driver didn't stop at a stop sign because he thought he could beat me across the intersection.

Lesson - The only safe thing to assume about all other drivers on the road is that they have no idea of what they are doing! Never assume that someone else knows you are there. Never assume that the other driver will do the right thing! (There's a whole lot of people out there who don't give way to emergency vehicles with their lights and sirens going - why would they do anything different for you?)

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Don't settle for someone you don't love

As I was pretty banged up from my last motorbike crash (scars all over me and a bad limp), I guessed that no one could ever truly love me again. As I was so unloveable, I would have to settle for someone that had stuck by me through all the tough times!? Bad choice! She mightn't have run away at first, but she did end up running away.

Lesson - It doesn't matter too much what you look like. There are a whole stack of people out there that search for the inner person that they will love. They know that looks are only for a short number of years, and after that there needs to be something more. So if you focus on being a healthy thinking, positive, happy person, you'll probably find that you attract like people to yourself!

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Choosing to be an amputee

When I had my motorbike crash, my right foot was caught between the bike and the car and got crushed quite badly. The various surgeons of the day did all their "magic" and told me I should be happy that they'd saved it for me. In order to save it, they took chunks out of the rest of me, and caused lots of additional scarring on my body. As well as that, my foot was totally useless and gave me continual pain. I did the rounds of another set of specialists and was told to learn to live with it. 

Years later I asked another set of doctors about getting my foot taken off and this time they agreed with me! (The local general practitioner was initially flabbergasted at my request when I walked in and said "I'd like my foot cut off please") As most of my pain was the result of movement, there was a large degree of confidence that cutting off the cause would also remove the pain. (Sometimes, if the pain is continual, removing the cause is irrelevant. The pain paths are set, and there is the added inconvenience of being an amputee). In order to check that they were doing their "due diligence", the GP sent me to a sympathetic orthopaedic surgeon, who sent me to a neurologist and a few others as well. Once they'd all agreed, I was put in hospital on an epidural block for a week prior to the surgery. They wanted to make sure there were the least possible pain paths sending signals from my foot before it was removed. 

In my case, when they removed my foot all my pain went with it! It was hard work getting around in a wheelchair for a few weeks and then on crutches, and finally on a prothesis. I was back at work at the end of the second month and doing everything I was before! The interface between me and the prothesis causes me some problems from time to time, but on good days I can run and do most things an able bodied person can. On bad days I'm still not as bad off as when I had my foot!

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When the foot first came off, there was still a period of adjustment. No longer could I just get out of bed and go to the toilet. I either had to crawl, or spend the time putting my prothesis on first. (No, hopping is not really an option with a full bladder!)

Lesson - Like most things in life, if you don't ask the right people the right questions (at the right time), no one is going to automatically make things any better for you.

Lesson #2 - Whilst it may seem unthinkable to some people to volunteer for an amputation, I found it unthinkable to continue to live with a brummy, painful foot when I had the option to go without it. You need to understand something before you can determine what is best for it.

I initially found it useful to talk to other amputees to get their insights on what I was going through. I've started a fledgling self help forum here which may be of some use to persons dealing with amputation.

Being a guarantor for a loan

Back when I had a few dollars in the bank and had my own house (the first time), one of the guys I worked with needed a car in order to do his job. As he had no previous history which would support his application for a car loan, he needed a guarantor. He supposedly had no close members of his family that were in a position to be guarantor for him. I had some reliance on him being able to do the job, so I decided to go guarantor.

He got his car and all was well. A short while later, I moved interstate and lost contact with him. About two years later and debt collection people came chasing me down to recover their money! It seemed he had only ever made a single payment and then a series of excuses and then nothing. As his brother had a business, I managed to raise his brother and got him to relay a message to Darren. It seems that he had either made a payment or satisfied them with more excuses as they stopped hounding me.

Another couple of years later and I was in a position to be able to go for a home loan again. There in my credit history was this big bleak mark where it showed me defaulting on a loan (as guarantor). Again, I had to track down Darren via his brother's business to sort this out.

Lesson - Unless you know someone 100% (perhaps a child, sibling or even a parent) and have complete faith in them, or have no problem with paying from your own funds the amount you are guaranteeing, do not sign anything as guarantor!

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Overall lesson: You can choose to be a victim by not making any choices in your life. As is often the case, you may not realise that you were able to take control and bring about a different outcome. Don't spend your whole life being a "passenger"!