Take your pick from this bunch, from St Pat' skull to Farley's rusks, there's must be something for everyone.
1.
Murphy was selling his house, and put the
matter in an agent's hands. The
agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all you
say there?"
The agent said, Certainly ye have...Why do you ask?
Murphy replied, cancel the sale...its too good to part with.
2.
Two Irishmen met and one said to the
other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately,
Pat?"
Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."
His friend asked, "well what d'ye mean by that?"
Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan,
and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one
another...it was neither of us."
3.
Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce? the solicitor questioned his client. Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge? Oh, no, replied Mrs. O'Connor. Sure now, we only have a carport. The solicitor tried again. Well, does the man beat you up? No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. I'm always first out of bed. Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices? Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial. Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have. "Bless you, sir. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds. Mrs. O'Connor, the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce? Ah, well now, said the lady, Sure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation.
4.
SAINT PATRICK AND THE SERPENTS COPYRIGHT (c),
MARCH 1997, WILLIAM T. EDMONDS, Jr., ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Archeologist excavating in County Meath Ireland have recovered what they think is an original manuscript by St. Patrick dating back to 455 A.D. It was found near the famous Stone of Fal on Tara Hill, the spot where St. Patrick was welcomed back to Ireland by one of the great Celtic kings.
The ancient parchment manuscript is believed to be the oldest written Christian text ever recovered in Ireland. It is estimated to be the most valuable find in the 20-year research project since the discovery of the Tara Brooch in the same area. There is speculation that it may be in St. Patrick's own hand.
Celtic scholars, historians, and religious scholars are excited by information translated from the original Celt that purports to support what up to now has been considered a religious myth: St. Patrick's driving the serpents out of Ireland.
Celtic language experts say St. Patrick writes that God revealed how to drive the serpents from the land in a vision. St. Patrick ends his narrative by quoting what God said to him in the vision.
"Pat! Trust me, it taste just like chicken."
When questioned, the Vatican had no comment.
5.
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?" The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan.
6.
Paddy Adair
It was the end of the Gulf war. The Arabs stared over at the Oil Fields and watched them burning. Day and Night the Flames roared into the sky. The Arabs pondered on how they were going to put out the fires when one Arab suggested that they ring 'Red O Dare'. Red O Dare was contacted but informed the Arabs that he was busy for the next six months. Red O Dare told the Arabs that they should ring his cousin Paddy O Dare from Co Mayo in Ireland.The Arab got on the phone and contacted Paddy. The Arab explained the problem with the Oil Fields to Paddy and asked if he could help. Paddy Replied: "No Problem." The Arab asked him how quick he could get there and how much would it cost?. Paddy Replied: "I can be there in 10 Hours and it'll cost ya' $10,000. "Great"; said the Arab and hung up the phone.
The Arabs waited in the Desert, still watching the flames shooting into the sky, when all of a sudden an open top truck with four Red Haired Paddy's comes roaring over the Sand Dunes and heads straight into the oil field. The Arabs shouted to no avail, and the truck drove straight into one of the burning rigs. They jumped out, took off their Denim Jackets and proceeded to beat the fire out with them. The Arabs watched with amazement and two days later the Oil Rig Fire was Out. The four Paddy's walked to the Arabs and one said...."Jazus..that was rough!".
The Arab, while writing the check for $10,000, said to Paddy; "And what are you going to buy with all this money?. "Paddy Replied: "Well, the first thing I going to buy a set of brakes for that fucking truck!!"
7.
Irish Airline Pilot
(Setting the scene, Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a rough spot) Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says. "Jazus Mick...Well have to turn back...none of the equipment is working!." Mick says to Paddy; "No Problem...Sure I can tell where we are by sticking my hand out the Window!"OK!" says Paddy, "Where are we then?"
Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; "Well Paddy, I reckon were over the Bay of Biscay. The humidity seems to be gone out of the air. This is caused by the seawater. Just Head North"
"Brilliant!" replies Paddy, and precedes north bound. Fifteen Minutes later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick?"
Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; " Were over the English Channel now. The air is much cooler here. Just head in a north easterly direction."
Thirty minutes Later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick?"
Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; "Were over the Ballymun flats. Quick...Bank left here and you should be on Course for Runway One. Paddy, Responds and 5 minutes later the plane lands safely on Runway One. Paddy turns to Mick and says: "That was Brilliant...But...Tell Me . How did you know we were over the Ballymun Flats". "Well!" said Mick...When I pulled my hand back in.. My Watch was Gone!"
8.
Irish Logic
One afternoon, Pat met Mick, whom he hadn't seen for quiet some time. After chatting for a while, Pat asked Mick what he was doing with himself at the moment. Mick told Pat that he was Studying at University College in Dublin."Jazuz." said Pat..."And what are you Studying?."
"Logic" replied Mick.
"What's Logic?" said Pat.
"Well!" said Mick...."Do You Have a GoldFish?" Pat: "I do!"
Mick: "So ..you probably have the Fish for your Kids!" Pat: "That's Right!"
Mick: "So.. Having Kids means your probably married...!" Pat: "That's Right!"
Mick: "So Being Married means you're not a Homosexual!" Pat: "That's Right!"
Mick Explains that it was Logic that allowed him to figure all that out. The Boys say Goodbye and head off in different directions.
An hour later, Pat meets his mate Shamey!. After a while Shamey asked Pat had he seen Mick around. Pat explains that he met Mick only an hour ago.Shamey said: "And what's old Mick doing with Himself?". Pat replies "He's studying at the University". Shamey: "And What's He Studying?".
Pat: "Logic!"
Shamey: "And What's Logic?"
Pat: "Let me Explain....Do you have a GoldFish?"
Shamey: "I Do!"
Pat: "So you're not a Homosexual then!!!!"
9.
Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man. "What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked. "Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......" "But about your foot.....?" "This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug. The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing." "What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently. "Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."
10.
An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor." He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working." The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him.
Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway."
11.
12.
DRIVING IN IRELAND
A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?". The man says "Sorry - we're right out of petrol." So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?" And the attendant responds"Sorry, but no oil either." The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant "Just what kind of petrol station is this ?" The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front."The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !"
13.
Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?" "Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!" "Well, next time, " roared Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!"
14.
Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby pub. Before long he was feeling no pain.
When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Higgins, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud Higgins to a deck hand.
"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"
15.
Racehorse doping is not unknown in Ireland. One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race. He went over and said, "Doping?" The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sor. 'Tis just lump sugar. Look, I'll take a bit meself.....see?" The Clerk of the Course said, "Sorry, but we have to be careful. As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar meself." So the trainer gave him a piece. When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions, "Don't forget the drill. Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs. Don't worry if anything passes ye, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"
16.
Michael Mullens was in court for non payment of maintenance to his ex wife. The judge decided to increase his wife's allowance. So he told Michael I have decided to increase this allowance and give your wife 50 Pounds per week. Michael replied "you're a gentleman sir, and I might even send her a few bob myself.
17.
Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough." Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!" As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said, "Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?" "I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him."
18.
Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer. What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the farmer if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.
19.
A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
20.
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "that's them". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of them birds in that cageup there," says Gerry, "Put them in a paper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "This looks like a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, this looks good," replies Paddy. They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'|. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fuck thatt, this budgie jumpin' is too fuckin' dangerous for me"
======- PART TWO =======
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up
carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy
notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. "Hi, Paddy. Watch
this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy
watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the
bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "Bejasus that parrotshootin is too
dangerous for me."
======- PART THREE =======
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the
pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'paperr bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls
a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the usual result. Once
more Paddy shakes his head - "Fuck me Sean, first their was Gerry wit his budgie
jumping, them Seamus parrotshootin and now you fuckin' hen gliding"
21.
Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network.
Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 h years ago were an even more advanced civilisation, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place.
Nigel Grant
22.
Young Mary O'Reilly thought she was a bit pregnant,
and it being the first time she went to see the doctor, to see if all was right. Coming
home to her husband Paddy, she explained the doctor said he needed a sample. Not
wanting to seem ignorant of such things she had waited to ask Paddy what "a
sample" was. Paddy not knowing either said: "Go see the widow O'Malley,
next door, she had eighteen children, she is bound to know. So young Mary wanders off to
the widow O'Malley's. She comes back about ten minutes later, her dress all
torn, he hair a shambles, her face all scratched. Paddy asks: "What happened to
you" And Mary answers: "Well I went to the widow O'Malley and asked her what a
sample was. Pee in a bottle she says. Shit in your hat, I say. And the fight
was on..."
23.
An attractive young Cork lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her Dublin date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Will ye Stop That, Boy!".The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way is it headed?"
24.
Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room. The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left. Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT , opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool. The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"
25.
Bridget Quinn was the parish's oldest surviving "eligible bachelor-ette." She's already outlasted two pastors! She never gives up hope. Never seems to run out of man-hunting stunts, either. Her latest effort -- at the parish annual singles dance -- was a classic. She jumped up on the bandstand, her right hand clenched into a fist, raised high, and then she saucily announced: "Any one of you handsome, virle devils who can guess what's in me' hand can win a week's worth of romantic, candlelight dinners -- just da' two of us, me an' you!!! Nobody spoke up. Dead silence. Then, a witty, older senior gentleman shouts out, "Is it an elephant?" Miss Quinn squealed for joy: "Glory be to God, that's close enough - - - dinner tis' at seven, me boyo!"
26.
A LETTER FROMDear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this slowly because I know you can't read fast. You wont know the house when you get home, 'cos we've moved.
Your Father has a lovely new job with 700 men under him - he cuts grass at the cemetery. There was a washing machine at the new house, but it's not working too good. Last week I put in 12 shirts, pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since.
Your sister, Colleen had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out if it's a boy or girl, so I don't know if you're an uncle or aunt.
Your Uncle Mick drowned last week in a vat of Whisky at the Dublin Distillery. His mates tried to save him, but he fought them off bravely. He was cremated and it took four days to put the fire out.
I saw the doctor last week and your Father went with me. Doc put a glass tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for five minuets. Your Father wanted to buy it from him. It only rained twice this week, first for four days the second for three days.
We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the final payment on your Grandmother's grave wasn't paid in seven days - up she comes.
Your loving Mother XXXX
P.S. I was going to send you 10 Punt, but I'd already sealed the envelope.
27.
(Pat & Mike were Irishmen who emigrated to the
States in the 1930's during
the depression and caused much mischief)
PAT AND MIKE TOOK A JOB ON A FARM TO EKE OUT A MEAGER EXISTENCE. ONE DAY
WHILE PAT WAS BALING HAY, HE SEES MIKE COME RUNNING UP IN CONSIDERABLE
DISTRESS YELLING "PAT, COME QUICK, SEAMUS JUST FELL INTO THE MANURE PIT UP
TO HIS ANKLES". PAT WAS NOT ALARMED IN THE LEAST. HE ASKED MIKE "IF
HE'S
ONLY IN UP TO HIS ANKLES, CAN'T HE JUST WALK OUT?" "NO" SAID MIKE,
RUNNING
OFF AGAIN, "GRAB A SHOVEL, AND HURRY, HE FELL IN HAT FIRST".
28.
St. Patrick's Skull
Bud Nelson, from New York; flew to Knock Airport in the west of Ireland on business. As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway he noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with an assortment of Human Skulls."What are you doing?" asked the American.
"I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman.
"And what skulls do you have?" said Bud.
"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!" said the Irishman.
"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"
"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland...god bless his soul."
"Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"
"That's correct!" said the Irishman.
"I have to have that!" said Bud and paid him £50.00 in cash.
Bud flew back to New York and mounted his Skull on the wall in his Pub. People came from all over America to view this famous Skull. He made a fortune over a five-year period and retired a very rich man. During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land that made him a fortune.
Bud flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs.
"God", said Bud, "What are you doing?"
"I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman.
"And what skulls do you have today?" said Bud.
"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!" said the Irishman.
"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"
"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland...god bless his soul."
"Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"
"That's correct!" said the Irishman. "Well!" said Bud, I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a Skull a little bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that the skull was St. Patrick."
"Oh yes!" said the Irishman, "I remember you now! You see... This is St. Patrick when he was a boy!"
29.
O'Neil was walking home from the pub one night when lo and behold he sees one of the Little Folk. He sneaks up and catches him in is stare and demands three wishes for the little mans freedom. "Granted" says the man in green, "but whatever I do for you, O'Reily will get twofold!" Now O'Reily is no friend of O'Neil, in fact they hate each other, but O'Neil agrees. "For my first wish I'd like a mansion full of expensive antiques and beautiful women." "Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two!" "For my second wish I'd like a beautiful, sexy, redheaded nymphomaniac." "Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two women." Now by this stage O'Neil is pissed off, the hated O'Reily getting two mansions and two nymphomaniacs. Suddenly inspiration hits him "For my third wish, I want you to remove one of my testicles!"
30.
A young Irish girl goes into her priest on
Saturday morning for confession.
"Father, forgive me for I have Thinned."
"You've Thinned?"
"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me
three times, and made love to me two times."
"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and
drink it straight down."
"Will that wash away me Thin?"
"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face."
31.
Two beggars, Seamus and Niall, were walking along the road at dusk. Being the more amatuer of the two, Niall complained loudly "I'm famished! How will we get something to eat this night?" "Worry not," said Seamus, "I'll show you how it's done." As they approached a farmhouse, he picked up a dried cowpie from the field and went to the door. He knocked on the door, and the missus answered. "Yes," she said. "Forgive me missus," begged Seamus, "I am but a humble beggar with nought to eat but this dried old cowpie. Could I trouble you for some salt to go with it?" "Why that's no fit meal for a man," the woman exclaimed. "Come in here and sit down, I'll feed you proper." A half hour later, Seamus emerged from the house stuffed with lamb and potatoes and smiling ear to ear. "Wow," shouted Niall, "I can do that!" He ran to the next farmhouse, grabbing his own cowpie on the way. He knocked on the door, and the missus answered. "Forgive me missus," he begged, "I am but a humble beggar with nought to eat but this dried-up old cowpie. Could I trouble you for some salt to go with it? "Sakes," she cried "that's no fit meal for a man. Go on out back and get yerself a fresh one."
32.
MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon.
While there he
decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin
walked by.
"What are ye doing?" asked O'Bannon.
"Fishin'," said MacAndrews.
"Caught anything?"
"Ach, nae a bite,"
"What are ye usin' fer bait?"
"Worms"
"Let me see it," said O'Bannon.
MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin.
O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed
it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit
the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out.
"Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Bannon.
"No!" shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, "The
worm's got a salmon
by the throat!"
Thanks to Seamus @RagingPotatoe for the las two jokes
33.
Finnegan sold Clancy a donkey, three weeks later they
met in Murphys pub and Clancy says "Hi Finnegan, that
bloody donkey you sold me went and died" Finnegan just
sipped his pint and chirped up."By jesus it never done
that on me!!"
Thanks to William Finnegan for this gem
34.
A solicitor from Dublin, while hunting in the West, brought down a fowl which landed in a farmer's field. As the lawyer climbed over the wall to retrieve the bird, the elderly owner appeared asking what he was doing. The litigator replied, "I shot that bird y'see lyin there, and now I'm about to pick it up." The old man answered, "This is my property yer crossin into, and I'm tellin you, yer not coming over." The indignant attorney said, "I'll have you knw that I'm one of the best solicitors in all of Ireland, and if you don't let me retrieve my bird, I'll take ye to court for everything y'own!" The old farmer looked him over and said, "Well now, being as how you're not from around here, you don't know how we settle things like this. Y'see now, here we use the three-kick method. "And what would that be?", asked the lawyer. The farmer said, "First I kick you three times and then you do the same to me, and back and forth like that till one or the other gives up." The attorney thought this over, and quickly decided he could easily take the old codger, and agreed to the local custom. The old farmer walked slowly over to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy boot in the solicitor's groin dropping him to his knees. The second blow nearly wiped the lawyers nose off his face. The attorney was flat on the ground when the farmer's third kick to the kidney almost finished him. The lawyer dug deep for his every bit of will, dragged himself standing, and said, "Okay you old bugger, now it's my turn. The old farmer just smiled and said, "Naw I believe I'll give up now. You can have the bird."
Thanks to James B Menacher for this bit of wit
35.
Farewell to Ireland:
The entire family were at Shannon Airport to see Patrick, Colleen & the children off
to Australia. Patrick thought it a good idea to get a photo of the occasion as a keepsake.
They asked a fellow traveller to take the picture with Patrick’s old camera. The
family stood still for what seemed like a lifetime. They were getting a bit fidgety:
Colleen says “ Sure, what’s taking so long Patrick”??
Patrick “Well love, he’s got to focus first”
Colleen “ What, all of us!!!”
Thanks to Colin Pryor,
36.
Irish Catholic Mother's Bragging
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.
The first one tells her friends,"My son is a Priest. When he walks into a
room, everyone says 'Father'."
The second one chirps "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room,
everyone says' your Grace'."
The third Catholic lady says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into
a room, everyone says 'Your Eminence'.">>>
The fourth Catholic lady sips her coffee in silence. The first three ladies all ask,
"Well...?" She replies, "My son is a 6' 2" hard-bodied stripper, and
hung like a rhino. When he walks into a room, everyone says, 'Oh, my God...'!"
Thanks to Larry Jordan <<<<< Have a look at Larry's bio
37.
It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time.
Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed
the boys thusly: "Lads, I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend
eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, don't step on any of
the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed to see
that the entire ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he might, sure enough he
stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one of the homliest colleens he's ever
laid eyes on, and she said,"Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together
for all time."And of course the exact same thing happened to Michael only his
companion was even the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified.
And he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the court without stepping on a
single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken by a young lass. Tim looked over and beheld the
most beautiful, graceful, blue-eyed woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped,
"I don't understand it!" The young beauty answered, "Well I'm sure I don't
either, I was walking along minding my own business, when all of a sudden I stepped on a
duck."
38.
Grainne Haloran takes a lover during the day
while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she
puts him in the press and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts
her lover in the press with her son. The little boy says, 'Dark in here' The
man says, 'Yes it is.'Her son says - 'I have a skateboard
Man - 'That's nice.'
Son - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No thanks."
Son - 'My Dad's outside.'
Man - 'How much?'
Son - '$500.00.'
In the next few weeks it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the press
together
Son - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Son - 'I have a helmet.'
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Son - '$200.00.'
Man - 'Fine.'
A few days later the father says to the boy, 'Get your skateboard and helmet and show me
how you can ride..
His son says, 'I can't, I sold them.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Son - '$700.00.'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more
than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and
he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again.'
39.
Seamus O'Malley is playing golf when he takes a hard
struck golf ball
right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as
he could manage, he took himself to Doctor O'Connor.
"How bad is it doctor?" asks O'Malley, "I'm going on my honeymoon next week
and my girl-friend is a virgin in every way."
"I'll have to put your penis in a splint, Seamus, to let it heal and keep it
straight. Sure, it'll be fine by next week."
The doctor takes four tongue compressors and forms a neat little 4-sided
bandage and wires it all together. "An impressive work of art," says the
good doctor.
Seamus says nothing of this to his girl-friend, marries and goes off on his
honeymoon.
That night in the hotel room she rips off her blouse to revel a gorgeous set
of breasts, a sight Seamus had not seen before.
"You're the first, Seamus. No one has ever touched these breasts."
Seamus promptly drops his pants and replies,
"Would you look at this --it's still in the CRATE!."
Thanks to Larry Jordan
40.
The loving Irish wife
Seamus lay dying in his bed. In death's final agony, as he started to slip away, he
suddenly smelled the aroma of hot cooked soda bread wafting up the stairs. He gathered his
remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly
made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the
stairs. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs defying the pull of
Morpheus. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing in the kitchen.
Were it not for thei mmense pain caused by his extreme exertions, he would have
thought himself already in heaven for there spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen
table were a couple of steaming hot soda breads and a tub of "Kerrygold Butter".
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing
to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, with tears in
his eyes, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the bread and butter was already mentally
in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. He felt renewed strength pulsate
through his body. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the butter knife at
the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with awooden spoon by his wife......
"Feck off, " she said, "they're for the funeral."
41.
KELLY WAS WALKING THRU SOUTH NORWALK, UNDER THE RAILROAD BRIDGE. HE LOOKED OVER AT THE
BENCH THERE AND SAW A MAN SITTING THERE ALL BANDAGED UP, ARM IN A SLING, THE FACE ALL
BRUISED UP. MY GOD EXCLAIMED KELLY, IS THAT YOU MURPHY? YES IT IS SAID MURPHY. WHAT
HAPPENED TO YOU, DID YOU GET HIT BY THE TRAIN OR DID YOU FALL OFF THE TRESTLE? OH IT
WAS NOTHING LIKE THAT MURPHY REPLIED, HOGAN BEAT THE LIVEN HELL RIGHT OUT OF ME. WELL HELL
MAN, DIDN'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING IN YOUR HAND TO PROTECT YOURSELF WITH? MURPHY SAID, I
HAD NOTHING IN ME HANDS BUT MRS. HOGANS ARSE, ITS A SIGHT TO BEHOLD, BUT IT AIN'T WORTH A
DAMN IN A FIGHT!
42.
MORE IRISH LOGIC!
A tipsy Hogan gets on a bus in Ireland and
asks the driver how long
the trip is between Limerick and Cork.
"About two hours," says the
conductor. "OK," says Hogan "then how
long is the trip between Cork
and Limerick?" The irate driver says
to him: "It's still about two
hours. Why'd you think there'd be a
difference?" "Well," says
Hogan "It's only a week between Christmas
and New Year, but it's a
Hell of a long time between New Years and
Christmas!"
43.
Two Irishmen are in the Wild
West. They enter Dodge City and notice a sign
in a shop saying 'Indian scalps-$10 each.' They enter the shop and are given
a rifle, ammunition and told that for every Indian scalp they bring back
they will get $10.
So they go out into the desert and hide behind a rock beside an oasis in the
hope that an Indian would come to drink. Sure enough, 10 minutes later a
brave approaches on his horse and gets down to drink. Paddy shoots the
Indian and goes over to scalp him.
Just as Paddy gets out his knife, Murphy looks up and sees up and sees Chief
Geronimo and his 100,000 braves on a ridge. "Don't look now" says
Murphy,
"But we are about to become millionaires!"
Thanks to John Binch Birmingham UK for this one
44.
Eugene C Bessent
45.
Eugene C Bessent
46.
Eugene C Bessent
47.
One St. Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local
village on his prize donkey to celebrate the day. He tied his mule and
went into his favorite pub where he spent several hours with several pints and
songs and not a few stories. On leaving the pub he was shocked to find
that someone had painted his prize mule green. He touched her just to be
sure and there was no doubt. Well, he went back into the pub and began to
curse and to try to find out who had painted his prize mule green. Then
one of the boys and the end of the bar stood up, a very large fellow indeed.
"I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say
to me?" Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes!
The first coat is dry."
48.
Bruce Scott
49.
Bruce Scott
50.
A man had been admitted to the local
hospital with dysentery after a safari
trip to Africa. He had spent three miserable days on a liquid diet
trying
to recuperate, and smile as best he could while visitors stopped in to wish
him well and hope he didn't have an attack of diarrhea. The nurse
knocked
on his door, peeked in, and informed him that he had more visitors on the
way up. As he lied in bed and readied himself for the visit, a sudden
onslaught of diarrhea caught him by suprise, making a mess of his hospital
gown and bed sheets. Not wanting to be embarrassed when his visitors
showed
up, he quickly took off his hospital gown and ripped the sheets off the
bed, tossed them out the window, and ran into his bathroom to clean up and
put on another hospital gown.
Unbeknownst to him, Tim Murphy had just left the local pub and was
staggering along the street below his window, when the hospital gown and
sheets fell on top of him. Thinking he had been attacked, Tim spun
around,
covered by the sheets, swinging his arms and punching out at his
"attacker."
When he finally managed to knock the sheets off, he fell backwards on
his
behind and sat staring at the pile of sheets in awe. Just then, a city
policeman happened along. Trying to comprehend the sight before him, he
asked Murphy, "and, just what in the hell happened here?"
Murphy replied, "I don't know, sir; but, I think I just beat the shit out
of
a ghost!"
Tom Ryan
51.
John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast
Masters' Club.
One evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to
see who could deliver the best toast. Well, John O'Riley won the contest
with the following verse:
"Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o'
me wife."
When John
O'Riley arrived home, his beautiful wife asked him how
the Toast Masters' meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the
best
toast of the evening."
His wife
then asked him what his toast was, and he said "Here's
to the best years o' me life, spent in Church wi' me wife."
His wife
then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include
me in your toast."
The next
morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran
into the local policeman on the beat who had also been at the Toast Masters
meeting with her husband. He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some
great
toast that your husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening.
He won first prize."
"Yes,
that's what he told me," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't
quite honest with the facts: he's only been there twice, the first time
he
fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come!"
Tom Ryan
52.
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the53.
British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio conversation
released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98:
IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a
collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.
IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course.
BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
Larry Jordan
54.
Ed O'Farrell
55.
There is an Old Irish couple, Margaret and Patty. Margaret walks into the living room where Patty is and says, "Patrick, oh I am so proud of you, so proud. Last month, I told you that you were spending too much time at the pub and too much time away from me. Since then you haven't gone to the pub once and stayed home. I want to do something special for ya, I want to make ya a special dinner, special indeed." Patty replied, "Oh Margaret, you don't have to do that, don't trouble yourself." "No, it's no trouble" Margaret insisted, "In fact, when we were on holiday last year, you really enjoyed that Escargot. You go to the store and get them snails and I'll make 'em up for ya." Patty got excited, "Oh, that would be wonderful!! O.K., o.k. I'll go right away."
57
Eoin Mac Rurai
58
T
wo howaya sluts walk into Brown Thomas (Dublin), they stroll up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it: 'Dat's quite nice innit, don't you tink Jacinta?'. 'Yeah, what's it called?'. 'Viens a moi' 'VIENS A MOI, what the f##k does that mean? At this stage the assistant offers some help. 'Viens a moi, ladies, is French for "come to me". Sharon, takes another sniff and offers her arm to Jacinta again saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?".59
The Dublin Maternity Hospital
A heavily pregnant skanger girl phones the maternity hospital, obviously in
some state of agitation:
"Nurse, nurse, I think me waters have broken."Nurse: "OK, love stay calm love.
Where are ye ringing from?"
Girl: "Oh, from me gee to me knees."
60
This young Dublin fella comes home all excited to tell his ma he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says: "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you just try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees, so the next day he brings along three beautiful and sits them down on the couch and they chat away for a while. He then says: "Right, OK Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did ye know?"
"I don't like her."
61
On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another. "Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about," said the city slicker, "but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time?" "Time?" said the farmer. "What does time matter to a pig?"
62.
Picture the scene: Early 1950’s,
Ireland. A young Irish virgin decides she wants to learn a bit more about life
so she packs her bags and bids farewell to her aunt Maureen and takes the boat
to Liverpool. She then decides that she wants to get to London to start her new
life so she sticks out her thumb and immediately a large car pulls up so in she
gets. Being a friendly sort, she starts chatting to the driver.
"And what do you do for a living?" she says.
"I'm a disc jockey" he says, "on the radio".
"Oh my," she says, "do you play requests because my Aunt Maureen will be ever so worried about me and if you could play a request and let her know that I'm all right, I will be most grateful."
"Of course I will," said the DJ, "but you must do something for me first."
"OK," she says.
So he pulls the car over and unzips his fly and pulls out his enormous erect
penis.
"Put your lips
down to that," he says.
So she leans over, grabs hold of his penis and shouts: "HELLO, AUNTIE MAUREEN…"
63.
Seamus looked down and said, "Nope, that ain't Paddy".
The mortician thought that was rather strange, and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at the corpse and said, "Gee, he's burnt really bad. Will you roll him over?"
The mortician rolled the body on to its front and Sean looked down for a moment before saying, "No, it isn’t Paddy".
The mortician, puzzled, asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean replied, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What do you mean? No-one has two arseholes," said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Paddy with dem two arseholes!
’”
64
A wedding occurred in a little village in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride’s and groom’s families had a storming row and began wrecking the reception room, generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police were called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appeared in court. The fight continued in the courtroom until the judge finally brought calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, “Silence in court!”
The courtroom went silent and Paddy, the best man, stood up and said, “Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.”
The judge agreed and asked him to take the stand. Paddy began his explanation by informing the court that it is traditional part of any wedding in this particular village that the best man got the first dance with bridge. The judge says, “OK.”
“Well,” said Paddy, “after I’d finished the first dance, the music kept going so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song when, all of a sudden, the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.”
Shocked, the judge instantly responded, “God, that must have hurt!”
“Hurt?” Paddy replies. “He broke three of my fingers!”
65.
This is allegedly a real letter that a farmer in County Longford posted to the Taxation office in Ireland in reply to an income tax demand, explaining why he had not paid tax for several years.
Dear Sirs,
Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would have given. the son and myself pleasure had it not revived in us a melancholy reflection of what has gone before. You say you thought the account could have been settled long ago, and you could not understand why it hadn't.
Well, here are the reasons:
In 1987 I purchased a hay shed on credit.
In 1988 I bought a combine harvester, a manure spreader, two horses, a double barrel shifter, two cows and ten razorback pigs, also on credit.
In 1989 the bloody hay shed burnt to the ground leaving not a damn thing. I got no insurance either as the bloody premium had lapsed. One of the horses went lame and I loaned the other one to my brother who starved the poor bugger to death.
In 1990 my father died and my brother was put away when he tried to marry one of his sheep named Hilda. A knacker got my daughter pregnant and I had to pay him a grand to stop him becoming one of my relatives.
In 1991 my son got the mumps which spread
to his balls and he had to be castrated to save his life. Later in the year I
went fishing on the Shannon and the bloody boat overturned, drowning two of my
sons, neither being the bloody eunuch who was by now wearing his sisters make-up
and dresses. Not long after, he emigrated to America with the new parish priest.
They are now married and trying for children.
In 1992 my wife ran away with a pig jobber from Drumlish and left me with newborn twins as a souvenir and I had to get a housekeeper, so I married her to keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job getting her pregnant(to qualify for more children's allowance). I went to see the doctor. He advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment, so that night I
brought my shotgun to bed and when I thought the moment was right I leaned out of bed and shot both barrels through the window. The wife shit the bed, I ruptured myself, and the next morning I found I had blown both doors off the barn, shot my best dairy cow and killed the bloody knacker who was in the hay loft with my daughter trying to get more money out of me, which he did because I had to pay for the bastard's funeral expenses.
The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize bull, poisoned the water, and set fire to the house. I was bollixed and took to the drink and did not stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy for a time.
This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire purchase) a bulldozer, tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the Shannon flooded and washed the bloody lot away, my second wife got V.D. from a land inspector and my last surviving son died from wiping his arse on a poisoned rabbit. I also had to put down four dogs who were worrying the sheep.
It surprises me very much that you say you will cause trouble if I don't pay up. If you can think of anything I've missed, I should like to know about it. Trying to get money out of me will be like trying to poke butter up a hedgehog's hole with a red hot needle. I'm praying for a cloud of cat's shit to pass your way and I hope it will fall on you and the bastards in your office who sent me this final demand.
Yours for more credit,
John Murphy